Instant Digital Delivery
Your credential arrives by email within minutes of purchase. No waitlist, no interview, no character reference. The Registrar does not keep you waiting.
EST. 2025 • GLOBALLY UNACCREDITED
Asshole University
Per Arduum ad Assholum
A satirical institution for people who prefer their credentials handsome, their humor dry, and their purchases delivered before lunch.
Entertainment-only credentials, sold with complete confidence and no academic consequence.
INSTITUTIONAL NOTE
Instant Delivery
Credentials arrive digitally, framed in confidence and ready to forward.
INSTITUTIONAL NOTE
Digitally Signed
Every parchment PDF is signed, numbered, and built to look expensive.
INSTITUTIONAL NOTE
Entertainment Only
Socially potent. Academically useless. Exactly as advertised.
INSTITUTIONAL NOTE
Registrar Approved
A dry institutional tone has been applied throughout, at no extra charge.
FIRST YEAR ADVISING
Choose the version of the joke you intend to frame
Every visitor arrives for a different reason. Some want the quick laugh, some want the flagship degree, and some are already the sort of repeat buyer the Registrar recognizes on sight.
ENTRY RITE
Ordinations
The fastest route from mild curiosity to a properly styled credential. Digital delivery, instant bragging rights, no dean's hearing required.
Best for gifting, dinner-party escalation, and people who prefer the joke with instructions attached.
From $29
USD
FLAGSHIP LADDER
Degrees
The core academic fiction: four tiers of increasingly expensive visual authority, culminating in a Ph.D. that looks just official enough to start a conversation you will not finish.
Best for the buyer who wants the wall piece, the story, and the receipt to feel equally ceremonial.
$35–$249
USD
RETURNING SOCIETY
Inner Circle
Monthly access for the alumnus who has already accepted that one credential will not be the end of this. Limited drops, members-only oddities, and ongoing institutional indulgence.
Best for repeat conferrers, collectors, and anyone who intends to keep disappointing the serious.
$9/mo
USD
FROM THE OFFICE OF THE REGISTRAR
Why Attend
Globally Unrecognized Prestige
Accredited by no one, acknowledged by fewer. That is the point. A credential everyone has seen is a credential that means nothing — ours has the opposite problem, elevated.
Customizable With Your Actual Name
Every certificate is engraved with the full legal name of the conferee. Pseudonyms accepted for a small additional indignity to the Bursar.
Entertainment-Approved
A seven-day refund window accompanies every purchase. For entertainment purposes only — which, admittedly, is the only purpose the faculty recognizes.
COURSE CATALOG, ABRIDGED
Curriculum Preview
A representative selection. The full roster is, as ever, one click away.
B.A. in Petty Arguments
The opening credential for the person whose tone has already become a local issue.
$35View →
M.S. in Subtle Shade
Advanced degree in the delicate art of passive-aggressive commentary.
$49View →
Ph.D. in Weaponized Sarcasm
The flagship. Dry, expensive-looking, and entirely confident that it needn't explain itself.
$79View →
Honorary Doctorate of Assholery
For those whose natural talent transcends traditional academic pathways.
$249View →
ANNUAL REPORT
By the Numbers
0
Accredited Programs
100%
Buyer Satisfaction*
24/7
Digital Delivery
∞
Bragging Rights
*Measured by the speed with which the buyer forwards the PDF to someone else.
DE ARMIS UNIVERSITATIS
The Crest & the Motto
Per Arduum ad Assholum — through difficulty, to assholery. The crest binds three graces of the institution: the laurel of unearned confidence, the quill of unsolicited opinion, and the open book of whatever argument you're currently losing. Borne in silence by every graduate, whether they remember the words or not.
Read the Full Lineage →UNSOLICITED CORRESPONDENCE
What the Conferred Are Saying
Selected excerpts from letters the faculty has elected not to discard.
Framed it above the desk. Two clients have asked about it. Neither asked a second question.
I wanted a credential nobody could verify and everybody would believe. The Registrar understood immediately.
Delivery was prompt. The seal was gold. My brother-in-law has stopped correcting me at dinner. Worth every cent.
FREQUENTLY DISMISSED
Questions We Pretend to Answer
- Is this real?
- The certificate is real. The credential is not. These are different questions and the Registrar would prefer you not conflate them.
- Can I use this?
- On refrigerators, in frames, during arguments with relatives — enthusiastically. On résumés, medical licenses, and immigration forms — firmly not.
- Do you ship?
- Every credential is delivered digitally, within minutes, to the email provided at checkout. Physical parchment is not currently offered and would arrive slower.
- Can I gift it?
- Yes. The conferee’s name is set at checkout, not at registration — you may enter a recipient’s name and forward the certificate at your leisure.
MATRICULATION
The Registrar can credential you before you overthink it
Browse the catalog, pick your level of distinction, and let the institution do the rest with its usual ceremonial indifference.
Enter the Catalog